Opening my heart

When I am open to it, support is all around me.
Let go of fear, and know that to get the love and support I need I must risk the pain of rejection, of misunderstanding and the hurt when silly words are said by some.  But if I take the chance I will find the most amazing support and love, because it is there and I deserve it.

love

I didn't need to look around tonight
I felt the love in the room and knew I was surrounded by friends.
I know I have achieved great things when I see reflected so much love in the people I chose to bring to my work and into my life and heart.
I am proud of myself.  I created a circle of people who care and love and at the center of the circle is me.  I am good at bringing people together.  I am great at making people happy.  I am wonderful at asking how you are and I am so good at epathizing with all who near me.

I love that I can make people's day.  I love that I have created a safe haven for myself and so many others who come in the doors and sit down and get love and compassion and hugs from us.

I love it.

looking up

If this is the worst day, I have done so well.
I have loved my kids, I have held it together,
I have cried my tears, I have remained strong.

If this is the worst week I have slept more than I thought I would,
I have not gotten too many headaches, I have worked the right amount

If this is the worst month, I have kept perspective,
I have excelled in my management of my business,
I have strengthened my relationships, I have been healthy,
I have not lost all hope, I have had some fun.

I will believe it will get better from here.  I have learned so much I will continue to fight I will survive and thrive.

Grateful list

I am grateful for my heart.
I am grateful for my girls.
I am grateful for my husband.
I am grateful for my parents.
I am grateful for my siblings.
I am grateful for my friends.
I am grateful for my crew.
I am grateful for my home.
I am grateful for my brain.
I am grateful for my business.
I am grateful to my customers.
I am grateful for opportunities.
I am grateful for love.
I am grateful for support.

I am grateful for Ross.
I am grateful for Mira.
I am grateful for Stella.
I am grateful for Sasha.
I am grateful for health.

Three weeks ago

Three weeks ago Michael was still alive.

There is so much to say, so many things going on in my life right now it is hard to write...because where do I start?  What do I write about first?  I feel I will be writing for days, and I feel like I have no time to write so I have avoided this...

Michael died three weeks ago tomorrow.  It was three weeks ago that the phone rang at 1:00 am, it was Debbie calling to say she was on her way to Harborview, Michael had been in a motorcycle accident and she didn't think he would make it.  I made Ross leave and go to him, for what would end up being his goodbye to his little brother.

The days from then on blur together, there was the funeral, that I orchestrated and the eulogy I would write.  days of grieving, and helping my husband through the hardest days of his life.  Seeing him wrecked beyond anything I could have imagined and being truly afraid for his recovery from such a deeply broken heart.

There was a vacation to lake Chelan with my family having some fun despite being in shock still so close to the start of grieving.

Then coming back to move in a weekend, and labor day weekend at that.  Full days I spent running our restaurant on one of the busiest weekends without my partner, Ross, by my side.  Then getting off and without even catching my breath painting for hours on end, moving boxes and packing and unpacking.

All running into the first day of school which would arrive just a day after labor day weekend had passed.  I spent the first day of school cleaning for 12 hours only taking a break to run each daughter to school with no makeup and wearing sweats.

All the while catching my husband crying off and on while still opening grieving the death of his brother.

I don't know how I have maintained sanity.  I am exhausted.  I am burnt out.  I need to find my way back to my life, but it is far from over, the craziness.

I am still fighting with my landlord for my deposit, helping my husband grieve, trying to unpack, and hoping to hire a host.

I drank two redbulls, on top of 2 cups of coffee.  three weeks ago I wasn't drinking caffeine.  I feel like crap about it.  I am breaking out all over my face and my anxiety level is super high.

I am writing this so I will read it.  So I will have compassion for what I have experienced, what I am still going through and I will try to take care of myself and take responsibility for my health.  I don't want to forfeit.

When I see you smile

It is universal. it is breathtaking and it has melted my huge heart.  My baby girl 5 1/2 weeks old has given me her first real Smile.  Before now there have been the small brief flashes of a smile.  Her lips turning up momentarrily in her sleep, or her efforts so great to try to pull her mouth into the shape of a smile.  But now we have full on whole face smiles.  Our eyes lock and her perfect bow lips erupt, there is no better feeling in the world than this moment.

We are falling in love

All the time. Sasha looks at me and we lock eyes and then her face changes and lights up with the biggest smile. It takes over her face and her whole being is love.  and I am in love with her too. and I say we are falling in love.

Nothing else matters.  This is what I am grateful for.  My three beautiful girls.  They are kind funny thoughtful smart sensitive creative talented.

Just the best kids in the entire universe, and I get to raise them and be wiht them and hug them  THANK YOU UNIVERSE.

I am content.  This is what is really important here.